Habitual

With each day that comes, I’m finding it easier to release old habits that once mattered so much to me. The night before the morning is still usually a rough road, leaving me with so many questions and so few answers. The questions and memories keep me awake at night, into the morning, and then I wake in the afternoon, still tired from the thoughts that kept me awake.

I had always heard that old habits die hard. The little things that we do, that have a permanent place in our minds. Some of them, we don’t realize we’re doing until the reason for doing them is no longer there. Then, we take a moment to consider the reason behind the action, and the reason no longer holds any value, but the action still remains.

There are many things that I have been doing over the years for others. Very little have I done for myself. In many cases, I can’t seem to think of a reason for some of the actions, even when I seemed to have reasons. Now, I’m left with so many actions that I have been doing over the days of years gone by, with and without meaningful reason, and some of them I can’t seem to stop. They have been built over the period of years and applying the brakes just doesn’t seem to be working. Thoughts and memories are still there, irreplaceable, unwilling to be forgotten and left behind in the dust that once was.

Some habits are easier to brake than others, I will admit. Like smoking, I quit each time I put a cigarette out, but I start right back up again when the flame atop my lighter finds the end of the next cigarette. I’ve quit many times before, but there is always something that makes me want to put it back into my hand, and so I have.

Other habits aren’t so easily broken. They’re better tamed and put out of the mind for as long as possible, however long that may be. Still, they are there to remind us of what once was there keeping our attention; what once had a deep control over us; what we fear that we’ll never find again.

I read on a blog the other day that more often than not, we fear losing something, fearing the void that will be created once that something is gone, unsure of whether we’ll ever find it again, or anything similar to it. I completely understand the comment that was made there. It makes sense. However, by looking at others and coming to know some of the hassles and the heartbreak that others have dealt with, it gives the rest of us hope for a brighter tomorrow; or, it should, at least.

There are times that I am completely lost. There are times that I don’t know which direction I am going, and I feel like I’m wandering around in circles. So many circles, that they make me dizzy.

I saw all of the same sights; heard all of the same sounds; the tastes and the feelings were all basically what I had already dealt with. I felt that nothing could be better, and that nothing would change. That’s when I knew I had to stand up to make the difference.

The habits that once were in control are still there, but they have little control over me. The reasoning behind the habits has faded; they’ve lost their meaning and value that they once held. Still, some of the habits remain; unwilling to be forgotten.

Time heals wounds and scars are left in their place. The scars tell a story all their own, but the hidden scars tell of memories that were once held so dear that we feared losing the subject of the memory. Time will heal it. Memories will fade away and be lost, as if they never happened.

Old habits remain. Old habits die hard for a reason.

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